04 March 2016

Turning the page

Well, right now I am a bit struggling in choosing what to write about and/or where to start from! I mean a lot is going inside the head and I am confused like never before. Whether to write about the mess itself, or about what created the mess, or all the failed attempts in trying to clean the mess. See! I'm just having a feeling that its not at all what I came here to write about, but now doing it. As they say "it's difficult to see the picture when you are in the frame", but may be at the end of this post I would get a better view on myself or at-least might feel better after spilling all out.

2014, the year where I decided to get out of my comfort zone, and to move to other state for better understanding of the subjects by working closely with other testing brains. I quit the freelancing project and then finished my BBST foundations course. During this I gave one telephonic interview and failed it. I had not even applied elsewhere as I didn't want to choose a job where I don't know about the working culture of the company. More than a company I was interested in working with smart people.

Soon after BBST, I went to Hometown to get implant removed from my left knee, as I wanted to get rid of the constant knee pain before I move to other city. For some reasons things got delayed and knee got operated after two months. So though I was having fun being around with family, the gap between jobs was getting wider. But I am very patient when it comes to selecting the job of my choice. Anyways I got implants removed but knee was still making me bothered with that little pain sensations, so after a month I underwent an arthroscopy followed by a month of physiotherapy.

By the time I got on my feet again, the calendar was changed to 2015. Almost it's been 6-7 months I was not into the job. I had turned down to job applications which had specified CMMI and test documentations in their job roles. I really wonder how quickly people join company and leave as soon as they get better package or an opportunity. I don't say its wrong but guess I have commitment issues, if I know I am going to leave this company tomorrow, I would rather not join it in the first place. A few HRs called me just to say me that I don't have a banking domain knowledge which they are looking for, few wanted me to have the knowledge of languages I have not even mentioned in my resume. Few funny ones told me that working as a freelancer does not seem as a full time job and I lack a team handling experience.

The process of applying for a job had started to irritate me. It almost felt like I was begging for a job. A few times I had thought of moving to Bangalore even without having a job, even I was so much close in doing my bookings, but I didn't have anybody to look after my dog "Bansi". Him being hyperactive makes my family scared of him and though he is a loving dog, his love does not attract many :).  Also my family didn't want me to move to other place so they denied taking his responsibility. A fact got clearer, that I could not move to other state leaving Bansi behind. It was hard for me to take him along as my bank account had now only the minimum balance to run it.

So I left thinking about job and moving and went with the flow, something I do each time I get confused. Meanwhile my younger brother got engaged and decided to marry. I had never met that girl in person before,  and did chat few times over the phone. Marriage date had been fixed and all that I remember was telling her not to waste her parent's money on silly things and suggested her to buy not so costly/shiny clothes which might be more comfy for her. My mother had told them that we don't want dowry and all that any learned woman would say and do.

Unfortunately things went so wrong from the moment they got married that the divorce is the only choice. So the home which was decorated to celebrate the new entry was all in shocks and revelations which were coming out. For their future we thought to get over the present, and suggested even to girl's parents that there is no hope in this relationship and let them go apart. Result is, my whole family including me has been blamed for domestic violence and dowry demands, and have been asked to pay an hefty amount if wish to get out of this drama. It's this time that I learned how many fake cases get registered each year in the name of domestic violence and dowry demands. Fortunately we have a lot of people believing us but this incidence did leave a hard impression on mind. I have now developed trust issues. I mean how come people lie so easily and throw stones at the very same people who once told them to take care? Anyways its a different battle and a long ride to get out of.

I lived with my brother for a month or two at his place as didn't want him to suffer alone. It's when sitting there free and alone for hours, I thought to start some business of my own. I always wanted to do something with food or anything which makes people's lives healthier. Aim still wasn't to earn money. Here I decided to leave, or better say dropped the thoughts of Testing as a career. Yes, it was not that easy, not to think of something one did for years. But seemed better to move on seeing the situations I was in.

I guess it was July when the idea of delivering Organic lunch hit the mind. I wasn't a good cook, nor I had that much resources to start it in a big way. After a few months of doing research and finding a reliable supplier, I started organic cooking in home. I learned cooking different dishes and finally the taste got developed. I started loving cooking and felt I can do this. I started giving packed lunch to my sister and her friend. So I started purchasing, cooking, packing and delivering for two people for 5 days a week till this February 2016. Yes I purchased a domain, developed a wordpress site and all.

One major point I found myself stuck at was marketing. I was never comfortable around people specially whom I have not interacted before. I avoid taking help not out of ego, but out of reserved nature. I am not sure but I never felt doing marketing the lunch product. I might believed that the product should speak for itself and it would catch the word of mouth. But as it's organic, it had a high cost price, which obviously made the selling price high. Plus people doe not find any meaning in eating organic only once a day, as they are gonna eat dinner which would be non-organic. And if healthy is not cheaper, cheaper seems more healthy :)

But yes marketing do makes sense and is needed. People who knew about my business were my sister and her few friends. Even my neighbours did not know if such thing was going on, so I don't had to look far to locate why it's not working. As simple as it sound I couldn't do it. I tried to get out of comfort zone, but it was feeling heavy to speak about and sell what I loved preparing. So everything was ready, except how to market. So one day I accepted that I can't hold the tea without having the cup. I knew that quitting here means coming back to the square one where I have started. But being aware of ones limitations and still dragging things which might lead nowhere, does not make sense either.

Meanwhile this journey I learned few things though, of course about the people and what they think. Everybody eats, Everybody wants to eat healthy, Everybody wants to get served better. But still cooking is not a white color job. It's not something family feels proud of. It's not something one should do after having so much degrees. Of course I didn't believe such crap, but as people in movies say while breaking up, IT'S Me...

Right now I am just a runner who finds chasing roads more interesting than ever before. Believe me I am not sad, I can't afford to be. My life goal is just to be happy, and have a crazy smile when my time would be up. What I might be looking for is the thing having less drama, more truth, and a bit of sense of humour. Is it a big thing to ask for?